TED

I want to welcome everybody to the annual Newark Elementary teacher get-together. Some of youse I know real well, John, Terry…

JOHN

Hey Ted

TERRY

Hiya Ted

TED

… and a couple of youse, I gotta be honest, neva seen before.

JACK

Jack D’Amato. Ehhh, fit Grade and computas.

MEL

Melanie, Mel fa short. I head the library.

TED

Okay, Jack, Mel, Nice to have yas.

JOHN

If I may, Ted, I’d like to say something before we get down to business.

TED

Sure thing, John.

JOHN

[Gets emotional quickly]

Okay, as Terry and Ted already know, two weeks ago I bought a new vehicle…

TERRY

She’s a cherry, Johnny.

[Others nod in friendly agreement]

JOHN

She was

(Beat)

Until yesterday when one of these no good bastards keyed her, and now I’m in the hole five macaroons for a new paint job! (Pure rage) I swear on my mother if I find the punk that did…

TED

(Forcefully)

Alright, Johnny, that’s enough! Take a walk or something would ya.

JOHN

(Apologetic)

I’m sorry.

JACK

[Consoling John]

We’ll find the bastard.

TED

Okay, anything else before we begin here?

[Head shakes all around]

TED

First order of business, and this was brought to my attention by Terry as still being an issue, and, of course, I’m speaking about Jimmy Spinoza…

MEL

[Starts raising her hand]

Question

TED

Yes, Mel.

MEL

Is Jimmy Spinoza the second-grader with the cowlick who always smells like gasoline?

TERRY

Com’on, that’s Eddie Finarack. The kids call him “Alfalfoline.” (Beat) It’s a play on words.

JACK

Jimmy Spinoza, and please correct me if I’m wrong here, is the little kid, fourth grade, with the scar on his upper lip, and no matter when you seen him he’s only got on one shoe.

[Everybody nods, couple of “yups”]

MEL

That’s Spinoza? I always see him standing next to the furnace room with his head against the door.

JOHN

(In a “what are gonna do?” way)

Son-of-a-bitch loves the sound of a furnace.

TED

Okay, okay… Now that we all are familiar with whom Spinoza is, let’s get down to it. Where is this kid’s other freaking shoe?

TERRY

Ya know, I thought I seen a shoe outside the music room the other day.

TED

You talking Tuesday or Wednesday?

TERRY

I’m thinkin’ Tuesday.

MEL

You know what, I was passing by the music room Tuesday, I was on my way to go visit with Cliff, anyways, and I heard Anne talking to Albert Finnegan, second grade, about taking off his shoes during class.

TED

So, was it Finnegan’s shoe? Or has the owner yet to step forward? Because, I gotta be honest, I’m tired of this Spinoza kid walking around all day with one shoe.

JACK

What’s the big deal, Teddy? Kid hardly has the peanuts to know that he’s even at school, let alone whether or not he’s wearing the appropriate number of shoes.

JOHN

Spinoza’s a little queer, aint he?

TERRY

Reminds me of Liberace the way he prances around on that bare-foot.

TED

Please tell me he hasn’t started wearing a cape.

TERRY

No cape, Teddy, just breaking balls.

TED

Alright, good. Keep an eye out for that shoe though. I can’t take another year-and-a-half of the shoeless wonder standing outside the furnace room.

JOHN

(Thinking out loud)

There is something to be said about the low hum of a good furnace. Kinda like one of those Buddhist chants or something. Jus’ saying.

[A beat of silence]

TERRY

Watch out, Johnny’s a good furnace away from losing his right shoe!

[Everybody laughs]

[John is not happy]

TED

Alirght, okay, settle down. Next order of business, is it true that Stevie Reems, fifth grade, hit Carl Carlson, first grade, wit’ a brick to the face?

MEL

Ab-so-friggin-lute-ly. I saw the whole thing happen.

TED

Okay, Mel, what’s the word?

MEL

Well, they were playing tag, and little Carl called Stevie’s mother a whore.

TERRY and JACK

Hoooooooo!

JACK

Kids got some balls.

TED

And then what?

MEL

Well, Stevie, acting like nothing happened, picked up a brick, walked over to Carl, and smashed him in the face…

JOHN

Hey, can you blame him? You call my mother a whore, and I’ll slit ya friggin’ throat!

TED

(In agreement)

Fuggidaboutit

TERRY

Can’t blame the kid for that…

JACK

Completely agree. You talk about family like that you gotta expect consequences…

MEL

For the record…

(Beat)

Johnny, your mother’s a whore.

[High fives to Mel]

TED, TERRY, and JACK

Hooooooooo!

JACK

Speakin’ of balls!

TED

[looking at Mel from different angles]

Heyyyy, who we got running the library over there? Is that Jimmy Hoffa?

[everybody chuckles]

JOHN

(Clearly pissed)

Ya know, if you weren’t a lady I’d crack you in the fuckin’ head right now.

TERRY

Heyy, take it easy tough guy. She’s just breaking balls.

TED

John, relax, enough with the sensitive crap, it’s getting on my nerves. Seriously though, should we suspend the kid?

JACK

Nehhh, he’ll learn his lesson one way or another.

TED

Alright, next issue, and without a doubt the most important. I been getting a lot of flack from the parents about having French toast as the staple of our before-school breakfast program.

TERRY

What’s the problem here?

TED

I got about fifty inquiries into the nutritious value of French toast.

JACK

Are they aware that Dolores makes it from scratch bless her heart.

MEL and TERRY

That’s a good point Jack.

TED

No, no, they know. Their problem is, apparently, with us giving the kids syrup.

TERRY

This problem they have, it’s with the syrup?

TED

[Checking his paper]

According to 43 emails, yes, the syrup is the issue.

TERRY

What if we offer ‘em waffles or something?

MEL

Yeah, waffles with, ehhh, jam or jelly?

[People nodding]

TED

Already tried the jam and waffles approach…

[A couple people sigh as if the greatest idea ever was just shot down]

Anyways, they got a problem with the syrup.

JOHN

(Quizzically)

What about pancakes?

TED

I’m sorry, Johnny, your gonna have to repeat yourself. It sounded as if you just said, “what about pancakes?” That’s what it sounded like. When we are clearly having a conversation about a proper substitute for syrup, you feel the need to bring up pancakes?

JOHN

I’m sorry, Ted, I…

TED

Oh, you’re sorry?

TERRY

Doesn’t make it right, Johnny…

JOHN

But, Terry just said waffles…

MEL

What’s with this guy?

JOHN

But I…

JACK

Friggin’ idiot you ask me…

TED

(Escalated to yelling)

We’re talking about appropriate French toast toppings, and you don’t say, “what about powda sugar, or straight butter,” but instead you start talking about pancakes, one of the lowest if not THE lowest ranking breakfast food around…

TERRY

Friggin’ pancakes, Johnny?

MEL

They always get so soggy…

JOHN

I was just…

JACK

Teddy, you want me to shut him up?

TED

Please…

[Jack shoots John three times. John is now dead…]

MEL

I can’t believe he brought up pancakes…

TED

Whatayagonnado? Alright, guys, that’s all I got for this year’s meeting.

(Beat)

Jack, you cover John’s art class for the remainder of the year?

JACK

Not a problem, Teddy.

THE END

[A knock on a door]

ASSISTANT #1

MRS. GIFFORDS, are you ready yet?

MRS. GIFFORDS

[Yelling from inside]

No. Actually could you come and help me for a minute?

[Assistant #1 opens door and steps inside room to see Mrs. Giffords standing in front of a full-length mirror]

ASSISTANT #1

Yes, Mrs. Giffords. What can I do for you?

MRS. GIFFORDS

[Wearing a yellow hat]

I can’t decide which hat to wear – the green one, or the yellow one. My mind is just split between the two.

ASSISTANT #1

Hmmmm. Can I see you with the green one on?

MRS. GIFFORDS

[Puts on the green hat and starts looking in the mirror at herself from different angles]

I just don’t know.

ASSISTANT #1

Hmmmm. I am favorable to the color green, so my opinion may be biased. I do like the way the yellow one flops over the back of your head, though.

MRS. GIFFORDS

That’s pretty much the debate I’ve been having with myself for the past half-hour. This one is a stronger, more-earthy color, but the yellow one seems to fit a bit better.

ASSISTANT #1

(Beat)

Should I call JEREMY in here for a quick third opinion? We really need to get going in a minute, Mrs. Giffords. The Safeway is a 20-minute drive at least.

MRS. GIFFORDS

Yes, could you please get him? It’ll be quick, I promise. I just really want to look personable and approachable, you know, make a good impression on the folks that come out to talk.

ASSISTANT #1

Sure thing.

[Leaves the room]

[Mrs. Giffords continues to switch between hats]

[JEREMY and ASSISTANT #1 enter the room]

MRS. GIFFORDS

Oh, Jeremy, glad you could join us. Okay, which one? Yellow or green?

[Tries on the two hats]

JEREMY

Hmmmm. I like the green one.

ASSISTANT #1 and MRS. GIFFORDS

Really?

JEREMY

Yeah. I think it’s a, I don’t know, happy color on you. Plus, yellow gives me a headache. We really do need to get going Mrs. Giffords.

MRS. GIFFORDS

I know, Jeremy, I just want to make a good impression, and I think this is important.

JEREMY

Well, it’s your choice, Mrs. Giffords, I’m not going to hold a gun to your head or anything.

(Beat)

How are you feeling about all of the questions and preparations that we’ve gone over?

MRS. GIFFORDS

Oh, I’m fine with all of that. I’m just going to speak from the heart like always, keep my head about me.

ASSISTANT #1

That’s the attitude. Just use that big ol’ brain of yours.

MRS. GIFFORDS

Oh, Juan, you’re so sweet.

JEREMY

What about no hat?

MRS. GIFFORDS

No hat? I don’t know, people see the hat and see distinction, wisdom. It takes a certain type of person to wear a hat to a public event.

JUAN

You know, Mrs. Giffords, President Kennedy left his hat on his chair during his inauguration speech, and people are still talking about his wisdom.

[Jeremy nods]

MRS. GIFFORDS

I know, I know, but it’s going to be sunny out in that parking lot, and I’d really like to have something covering my face, and sunglasses are absolutely out of the question. Too condescending.

JUAN

Hmmmm. Honestly, I say no hat.

JEREMY

I have to agree with Juan on this one. I think it tells the people that you’re one of them. You’re their equal.

MRS. GIFFORDS

Hmmmmm.

(Beat)

You’re right. My mind must be scrambled right now. What was I thinking? I never wear hats. Okay lets hit the road boys!

END

]]> http://lackoftact.wordpress.com/2011/08/10/the-hat/feed/ 0 highsock http://lackoftact.wordpress.com/2011/08/10/catching-up-with/ http://lackoftact.wordpress.com/2011/08/10/catching-up-with/#comments Wed, 10 Aug 2011 04:21:07 +0000 Phill P. http://lackoftact.wordpress.com/?p=409 Continue reading →]]> MILES

Okay folks, welcome back to “catching up with…” the roundtable chat show where you, the viewer, pick the topic of the day. As always, I’d like to welcome my panel today, BRIAN and ALEX.

BRIAN

Hi, Miles.

ALEX

Hello everybody. I’d like to start off by apologizing for my statements during last week’s show regarding Serbia and Mon-te-negro. I’d just like to go on record and say I had no idea that was a racial slur.

BRIAN

I’m not sure you’re pronouncing that correctly, Alex.

ALEX

Oh, okay, either way, I apologize.

MILES

Alright, guys, today we are catching up with “the major differences in culture and sound according to region in hip-hip and rap.”

BRIAN

Jesus, I think our audience hates us.

ALEX

I don’t really know much about black people

MILES

Well, it’s not necessarily about black people it’s about hip-hop and rap. I’ll take the lead on this one.

(Beat)

Okay, I’ve recently discovered Mac Dre.

BRIAN

Is he the Bay Area guy?

MILES

Yup.

ALEX

Lets see… Thurgood Marshall…

BRIAN

Now Bay Area, is that hyphy or krunk?

MILES

I believe hyphy is Bay Area, and krunk is from Atlanta.

ALEX

Morgan Freeman…

BRIAN

Oh, okay. Which one has the juice?

MILES

Do you mean krunk juice?

ALEX

Mya Angelou…

BRIAN

Is there any other kind?

MILES

Atlanta.

BRIAN

And is that what has the syrup in it?

ALEX

Rosa Parks…

MILES

No, syrup is different.

BRIAN

What’s that?

MILES

I believe syrup is liquor with codeine cough syrup in it. I think it’s a Houston thing.

ALEX

Malcom X…

BRIAN

I’m not familiar with the Houston music scene.

MILES

Do you know Paul Wall?

BRIAN

Not really.

ALEX

Joe Frazier…

MILES

Houston is where they created chopped and screwed.

BRIAN

What’s that?

MILES

It’s a form of mixing the records at extremely slow speeds and doubling up on verses and lyrics.

BRIAN

Sounds awful.

ALEX

Oprah Winfrey…

MILES

It is. I think they invented syrup just to make chopped and screwed enjoyable.

ALEX

Jackie Robinson, Martin Luther King Jr., Don King, George Washington Carver, Eddie Murphy, Jim Brown, Sidney Poitier, Clarence Thomas, Bill Cosby…

BRIAN

Oh god, Alex has lost it.

ALEX

Danny Glover, Mel Gibson, Chris Rock, Rene Russo, Jet Li, …

MILES

Now he’s just naming the cast from Lethal Weapon 4. Okay, folks, that’s going to do it for us today. Thanks for watching.

Welcome back to the Political Spectrum, I’m BILL WITHERS, and my guest today is NORMAN DURAN, editor-in-chief of The Green Witch, a political magazine published on the Lower East-Side.

NORMAN

Thanks for having me, Bill.

BILL

Okay, I want your opinion on the entire slate of nominees in the Republican primaries. Let’s start at the top. How do you feel about Mitt Romney’s chances?

NORMAN

Well, honestly Mitt’s polling pretty low, and I think it’s because voters sense he’s a “RINO.”

BILL

What’s a RINO?

NORMAN

A Republican In Name Only.

BILL

Really? You don’t think his policies are conservative in nature?

NORMAN

It doesn’t matter what I think, the voters think he’s a RINO.

BILL

Fair enough. What about Michelle Bachmann?

NORMAN

Well, honestly, Michelle’s polling pretty low, and I think it’s because voters sense she’s a “WINO.”

BILL

That would be…?

NORMAN

A Woman In Name Only.

BILL

Really? You don’t think she’s actually a woman?

NORMAN

It doesn’t matter what I think, the voters think she’s a WINO.

BILL

Ahhh. I see. Okay, what about Jon Huntsman?

NORMAN

He’s a perfect candidate, except that he’s Mormon. And to Mormon’s he’s a “MINO”…

(Beat)

Misogynist In Name Only. You gotta be full on misogynist for the Mormon vote.

BILL

Fair enough. What about Ron Paul?

NORMAN

Well, honestly, Paul’s polling pretty low, and I think it’s because the voters sense he’s a “GINO.”

BILL

I’m not familiar with that acronym.

NORMAN

A Granter of Insufficient Negative Opinions.

BILL

I see. What about Tim Pawlenty?

NORMAN

He’s a “PINO.”

BILL

Again, I’m not familiar with that one.

NORMAN

A Pathetic Impersonator of Neoconservative Objectivism.

BILL

What about Rick Santorum?

NORMAN

He’s a “DINO”.
(Beat)

 A Douchebag In Numerous Occasions.

BILL

Do you mean douchebag ON numerous occasions?

NORMAN

No, because that would make him a DONO, and that’s not even a word.

BILL

Understood. Okay then, what about former speaker of the house, Newt Gingrich?

NORMAN

He’s a TADPOLE.

BILL

A tadpole?

NORMAN

Yes, a Tenacious Asshole Demonstrating Poor Overarching Leadership Equivalency.

BILL

Wow.

NORMAN

A pretty serious accusation if you ask me.

BILL

What about Texas Governor Rick Perry? He’s polling at number two as of last week.

NORMAN

Yeah, I have to say, although he looks good now, I’m not sure if it will last.

BILL

Why’s that?

NORMAN

Well, voters think he’s a LLAMA.

BILL

A llama?

NORMAN

That’s right, Bill, a Lesbian Look-alike Attempting Masculinity Accurately.

BILL

I’m impressed. This is all coming from the voters, Norman?

NORMAN

That’s right, Bill, they’re smarter than people give them credit.

BILL

Fine, I guess that leaves us with, um, Hermain Cain. What about Herman Cain? Is he a SPINO, or a CHINO, or anything like that that will ruin his chances?

NORMAN

Nope. He’s just black.

END

Hi-ya, I love attention!

Generally speaking, whores have poor eyesight, that’s why they have to approach cars to see who is inside. Sarah Palin wears glasses, because she has poor eyesight. Also, Sarah Palin wears the color red quite often. Now, some would argue that she wears red, because it’s a power color, but I would like to mention that the color red is a popular color among whores, because it is highly reflective against the glow of a passing car’s headlights at night.

Sarah Palin is from Alaska, and it is common knowledge that Alaska has the most whores per capita out of all the states in the union. Therefore the location of her residence increases the likelihood of her whoredom.

Sarah Palin also has four kids, and the average number of children that a whore will have in their lifetime is… you guessed it, four.

Sarah Palin also has a huge vagina, immense. This comparison needs no explanation. Sarah Palin wanted to name her first book, “Whoring Rogue,” but the people at Marvel Comics thought this title would reflect poorly on their beloved character “Rogue” and litigated to prevent its release. Sarah Palin’s favorite fish is the Red Snapper. Among whores who eat fish, the Red Snapper ranks second to only the Escolar in terms of flavor.

Last but not least, Sarah Palin loves money. Loves it. Loves it like a whore loves it.

"Hi, I'm a huge tool."

Dear Rick Santorum,

Please do us all a favor and shut the fuck up. Nobody cares what you have to say about anything. You like ice cream? Who gives a shit. You don’t agree with the current state of the political system? Join the club. You once felched your cleaning lady? Whoop-dee-fucking-do. Now, please, shut the fuck up.

Sincerely,

Everyone that’s not you.

Juan: Hi, Sean.

Sean: And seated next to him you’ll notice the always lovely and orgasmically patriotic, caucus leader of the Tea Party in the House, Representative Michele Bachmann…

Michele: Thanks for having me Sean.

Sean: And seated next to Michele, we are joined by Koko the gorilla.

Koko: [Wearing the hand-signing glove from “Congo”] Hello. Friends.

Sean: Okay, let’s talk about the biggest issue this week, President Obama is still refusing to release his birth certificate. Is this purely a political move to gain points with the Socialist left, or do you believe that he actually has something to hide? Juan?

Juan: You know, Sean, I think this is a controversial topic. Before I was unjustifiably fired from my job at NPR, we used to have this debate quite often, and there was a general consensus that this was an issue that needed to be talked about in one way or another.

Sean: Interesting. So, you’re saying that we should be talking about this issue.

Juan: Absolutely, Sean. The fact that this is an issue means that we should be talking about it.

Sean: You know, I think you’re absolutely right, Juan. The fact that the president doesn’t want to talk about an issue that we think needs talking about is suspect.

Michelle: You know, Sean, if I can interject for a second, I’d just like you to know that as the ranking member of the great Tea Party caucus in the house, I have put forth HR3075 which says that anyone who wants to even be eligible for the presidency must submit a video tape of their actual birth prior to their campaign.

Sean: An actual videotape? Like, like a movie! You represent the heartland Mrs. Bachmann, you really do.

Michele: Not only a video, Sean, the great people of Minnesota have demanded that in the video there also be a newspaper from that day, with the date visible, and a notarized witness list of at least 15 people.

Sean: You know, I’ve been saying for years that there is really nothing more patriotic that notarized witness lists.

Juan: That is an issue that has a consensus.

Sean: Indeed, Juan. Koko, you’ve been awfully quiet, how do you feel about notarized witness lists?

Koko: [pointing at Bachmann] Ugly lady. Dumb. Dumb.

Sean: Koko, the congresswoman is a great person who serves her country and has raised over 20 adopted children. She is neither ugly nor dumb.

Koko: Barren. Ugly lady.

Juan: If I may weigh in, Sean…

Sean: Absolutely, Juan.

Juan: For the record, I believe that Mrs. Bachmann is intelligent. Her support to defund NPR has proven this. However, her attractiveness, I think, is an issue.

Sean: You’re saying that it IS an issue?

Juan: Absolutely, Sean. The American public wants a face that they can trust, and, frankly, I’m not sure if Representative Bachmann has a trustworthy face…

Michele: For your information, Juan…

Sean: Wait a second, Mrs. Bachmann. Let Juan finish.

Juan: Thank you. Well, have you ever seen the movie Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark?

Sean: Of course I have. Next to Air Force One that movie is probably the most patriotic movie ever made.

Juan: Well, Sean, Mrs. Bachmann, I believe has an uncanny resemblance to the bald headed Nazi in Raiders. You know, the one who gets his hand burnt on the headpiece.

Sean: What’s his name?

Koko: Major Toht. Major Toht

Michele: I do not resemble a bald headed Nazi, Sean. That is insulting.

Sean: Well, apparently, it is an issue. And if it is an issue, the only place you’re going to find unbiased reporting is right here on Hannity’s America. We’re going to see if we can get the graphics department to pull that image up. I want to thank my panel, until next time.

Please, your attention.

Thank you.

My name is Simon Angler. It’s good to be here at Macdonald’s. I’m sure none of you were expecting me here today, and that’s the idea. This is the first seminar of a nineteen-part series on spontaneity.

I will not take questions until I’m finished speaking, unless you want to ask me something. In that case, go fuck yourself.

The word “spontaneous” is rooted in two languages. From Latin, “Tan” for “to do” and “Eous” for “impulse.” And, of course, “Spon,” from the North-American dialect known as Ebonics.

Looking at you people makes me reconsider my sexuality, and I’m an aboriginal rapist, so that’s saying something.

[Five-second scream]

You’re all pathetic. Nine-to-five, you make me sick.

Rule number one: being spontaneous is a lifestyle, not a choice. Like living with Aids.

I want everybody to remember this acronym.

S for Subversive

P for Pleasurable

O for Ostensible

N for Nabokov

(Beat)

T for Tenacious

W for Wombat

A for Action

T for Terpsichorean

[Do a jig]

My father was in the army, so naturally I’m addicted to veteran benefits. But, that’s enough about me.

I believe in a world where people can do what they want, whenever they want to, however they want, with whomever they want. I also believe that if Mother Theresa and Dr. Scholl’s footwear had ever partnered in business, their signature shoe would have been named the “Sole Saver.”

[Lie down on the floor for ten seconds]

Rule number two: People love impressions of babies. Act like a baby whenever possible, but never after being asked to act like a baby.

Stop pretending that I’m… It’s a known fact that the Amygdala is the almond-shaped mass of gray matter residing in both hemispheres of the brain and associated with feelings of fear and aggression, and is important for visual learning and memory. In conjunction with the Hippocampus, the main processing center for memory, the Amygdala provides the emotional context to your memories.

Rule number three: you can’t just expect to do what I do as well as me, but with practice you can expect something!

I want to thank all of you for coming today, and in the words of Dr. Martin Luther King Junior, “My vagina is a tulip.”

(Please note: If you are receiving this email it is because your name has been found in a “To” list on one of our ship’s computers.)

Willing to let bygones be bygones and overlook the past few days, it was decided (by just enough crew members) I could help out with the “Classroom In Space” broadcast to 3rd graders in Ann Arbor MI just before lunch. They wanted to show kids how fruit reacted to zero gravity or something.  Sadly, it was too close to lunch.

We may not have taught kids on earth about gravity but I’m pretty sure the astronauts did show the effects of zero gravity on bad words. Really bad words.

I can tell you…they hurt just as badly as they do with gravity…*sigh*

This may not be working out. Maybe this was a mistake.

Hey! Looks like things are turning around! The whole gang just invited me to the airlock for a party in my honor! I knew this would work out! YAY!

!!!

Eric